As it is only weeks away, I wanted to remind you that I will be in Austin, TX for the annual Austin International Drag Festival. You have no idea how excited I am to be going. One reason I am excited because before I did drag, I never had opportunities like this, where I can leave my home and go to a whole new place and do something I love. Another reason I am excited is because I am going to be talking about topics that I have experienced or deal with on a daily basis and share that with others. 

You can still purchase tickets and come see me at my two workshops/panels or come to some of the showcases I will be performing in. 

Performances
Friday Night: Swan Dive
Saturday Night: Swan Dive (World Showcase)

If you have any questions or need to purchase, go to the link below. I hope to meet as much people as possible, especially those I have talked to around the world, but never had the chance to meet in person. This festival allows all of us performers to come to one place, and bring magic to those Drag lovers! See you soon! 

                                                                                                              xoxo JizzaBella

For more go to
www.AustinDragFest.org

Some of you who may be reading this may have no interest in producing an event or even working in nightlife, but you may appreciate the effort that goes into making an event. Yesterday was the first night of my co-hostess (The Countess Mascara) and myself's event "Are YOU Smarter Than a Drag Queen?". What a night that was! By the end of the night when we are all liquored up and just enjoying ourselves, you have to look back and see what actually went into starting this event, so let me rewind and give you some steps of what went into it.
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1. Being Broke
        Sometimes to have the drive to want to create an event you have to be hurting for money. In the times of hurting financially you become creative. Sometimes making scarfs for kiddies, baking cookies for bratty little kids, or building toys for spoiled kids. Ok I don't know what my issue is with kids in this segment, but I think you get the point.

2. Planning the Event
        Now you have to come up with an idea for the event. Things can either be fun or be hard if you have never done this before. For my partner and I, it was pretty easy because it was a show that my partner did at another venue and brought it to this new one. But now that there was going to be two hostesses, we had to revamp. The idea of our show came from the popular TV show from the past, "Are YOU Smarter than a 5th Grader?". The next thing was to figure out how to break it up into rounds and create rules and the format of the show. This can be very stressful when both you and your partner are stubborn ass Italians. But hey...FUGGEDABOUTIT! 

Thanksgiving was always one of my favorite holidays because I got to spend them with my family. 

As a kid I would get all dressed up, my mother would brush my hair and lick her thumb to rub off the lipstick, because she always loved to kiss us after we got ready and were all clean. I swore it was torture but humorous now that I am older.
We would head over to my great grandmother's house to celebrate it with my grandfather's side of the family. This was always a big event, cousins, aunts, uncles, and craziness. Grandma Tecla would put a moo-moo on me and say this would protect me from sauce getting on my good clothes.  After there we would go to my grandma's house and do dessert with her. Even though my grandparents were divorced, we still made time to see both of them and got to feel the love from both of them. 

These are now things of my past. I do not get to have big family dinners as much because they keep passing away, fighting with each other, or just are doing their own thing. 
This year I will get to celebrate Thanksgiving with my older sister and I am excited because she is going to make a big dinner, have people over and it will feel good to celebrate it with people, instead of by myself. I am thankful for that.

If you have nothing to be thankful for, be thankful of the memories you had with your family or friends. One day these loved ones will be gone and you will have to resort to these memories. I am thankful I was able to experience dinners with my great grandma, my aunts and uncles who passed away, my grandpa and my mother. As they rest in peace, they will always be in my heart and I know every Thanksgiving from now on, even if I am physically eating alone, I will always have their company in my heart.

Now who wants to carve the turkey?

This song came on today and really put things in perspective for me. The lovely voice of Paulina Rubio sums it up in her chorus:

Life is way too short for me to allow people, who try to bring me down, to succeed. I control my life and my life does not end today! I really appreciate all the kind words that people have said to me throughout my life, especially now when I need it the most. My family is going through so much and I have been taking everything in and just letting it sit there. Your strength and support, keeps me going and thank you for that! I am not saying goodbye because its just the beginning! 

xoxo 

JizzaBella

I am writing this entry because I am angry! It has really taken a few years for me to realize that the time has come for me to come all out. I have dealt with so much pain when my sisters ask me if I am Gay and for me to say no. I never lied to my family, I have always been honest. I am Pansexual not Gay, not Straight, and not BI. My mother raised me with all her love and I have taken that all in.

I have really found myself this year and have come to realize that all I want in life is to live it to the fullest. 

Going back to my freshman year at RIT, this was a time I thought I was Gay because of my friends who were Gay and introduced me to a culture, where I felt I could be free. I went out to the clubs and got to meet new people that were going through similar things, like I was.

I was a kid that was tortured and felt so low in life, that I would have rather died than feel pain again. I could relate to all my new "friends" because we were all fighting for freedom and now we had it at college. I could spread my wings, but was there a point where I spread them too much? I must admit I got crazy where I wanted to be friends with everyone and wanted to feel close with everyone. This new feeling was amazing because it felt joyous, uplifting, I was finally happy. I did not want this feeling to end, but can you blame me? 

RIT was such a great thing, but as all great things, they go sour with my luck. I started to be shunned, put on a "Do Not Associate List" as some would say. Beating me down to feel like I was nothing. My suicide thoughts started to come back and all I wanted to do was lock myself up in my room. I hated my life and wanted nothing to do with people. This was a time I thought I was so ugly as a guy, that the only time I felt happy was when I was in drag. For a period of time, I even thought I might have been transgender because all I wanted to do was be done up, before I went out in public. I came to realize that I was not a woman, but just trying to hide my true identity with costumes and heavy makeup. So heavy that people could not see the pain underneath. I had to leave this school because it was a place that was making me feel disgusting.

The point where I realized the time had come for me to leave the RIT area and start over, was when my old roommate assaulted me: cut my leg open, destroyed my room, destroyed my property (threw clothes in the toilet with urine and broke my door). I called the Police and they could hear the noise and the assault happening on the phone, so they sent 6 officers, to which they restrained him and had him listen to them. This was a person who I thought was my role model, a person that helped me come out of my shell, but was one of those people who helped ruin my reputation. Talking about me behind my back and getting people to stop being friends with me. This was too much drama for me. I needed to get out! I got a job and found a new place and moved out. A new beginning!

Now a days, the rumors, the hatred, the shade and the drama is still going on. I still hear people bad talking me at RIT and other parts of Rochester, NY and in all honesty it does hurt at times, especially because all I want to do is be friends with everyone. That is a big down flaw of mine because I have such a big heart and want to be there for everyone, but I need to realize that I cannot do that all the time. I can respect others, but only love those who love me.

As always I know I blend a whole lot of topics into one and sometimes ramble but I want you all to know it takes a lot of stress and time for me to talk about this stuff. I am use to keeping it all in and just looking down on myself. I want to feel free and just let the negativity in my life, to just sashay away. 

Those people out there that jumped on the band wagon of bad talking me and making me feel like crap, I feel sorry for you. You missed out on a great person, a person that would bring you laughter and show you a beautiful time with life.

I want to say to my family, I love you, I am sorry that you feel I have lied to you about my sexuality or things in my life. I want to love someone who loves me. I don't care who they are, as long as their personality is glowing and they have the light inside of them, that is all I need. I want someone that had the love that my mother had for life. Such an angelic look on life. I do not think that it is picky or whorish because I do not pick a team, I think that means I am just open to love. I want love and that's not a lot to ask for.

Now it is time for me to listen to some music and clear my mind. I love you World, thanks for allowing me to grace your surface. I am ready to take part in more adventurous journeys and really live my life to the fullest.

Thanks for reading! xoxo