I am writing this entry because I am angry! It has really taken a few years for me to realize that the time has come for me to come all out. I have dealt with so much pain when my sisters ask me if I am Gay and for me to say no. I never lied to my family, I have always been honest. I am Pansexual not Gay, not Straight, and not BI. My mother raised me with all her love and I have taken that all in.

I have really found myself this year and have come to realize that all I want in life is to live it to the fullest. 

Going back to my freshman year at RIT, this was a time I thought I was Gay because of my friends who were Gay and introduced me to a culture, where I felt I could be free. I went out to the clubs and got to meet new people that were going through similar things, like I was.

I was a kid that was tortured and felt so low in life, that I would have rather died than feel pain again. I could relate to all my new "friends" because we were all fighting for freedom and now we had it at college. I could spread my wings, but was there a point where I spread them too much? I must admit I got crazy where I wanted to be friends with everyone and wanted to feel close with everyone. This new feeling was amazing because it felt joyous, uplifting, I was finally happy. I did not want this feeling to end, but can you blame me? 

RIT was such a great thing, but as all great things, they go sour with my luck. I started to be shunned, put on a "Do Not Associate List" as some would say. Beating me down to feel like I was nothing. My suicide thoughts started to come back and all I wanted to do was lock myself up in my room. I hated my life and wanted nothing to do with people. This was a time I thought I was so ugly as a guy, that the only time I felt happy was when I was in drag. For a period of time, I even thought I might have been transgender because all I wanted to do was be done up, before I went out in public. I came to realize that I was not a woman, but just trying to hide my true identity with costumes and heavy makeup. So heavy that people could not see the pain underneath. I had to leave this school because it was a place that was making me feel disgusting.

The point where I realized the time had come for me to leave the RIT area and start over, was when my old roommate assaulted me: cut my leg open, destroyed my room, destroyed my property (threw clothes in the toilet with urine and broke my door). I called the Police and they could hear the noise and the assault happening on the phone, so they sent 6 officers, to which they restrained him and had him listen to them. This was a person who I thought was my role model, a person that helped me come out of my shell, but was one of those people who helped ruin my reputation. Talking about me behind my back and getting people to stop being friends with me. This was too much drama for me. I needed to get out! I got a job and found a new place and moved out. A new beginning!

Now a days, the rumors, the hatred, the shade and the drama is still going on. I still hear people bad talking me at RIT and other parts of Rochester, NY and in all honesty it does hurt at times, especially because all I want to do is be friends with everyone. That is a big down flaw of mine because I have such a big heart and want to be there for everyone, but I need to realize that I cannot do that all the time. I can respect others, but only love those who love me.

As always I know I blend a whole lot of topics into one and sometimes ramble but I want you all to know it takes a lot of stress and time for me to talk about this stuff. I am use to keeping it all in and just looking down on myself. I want to feel free and just let the negativity in my life, to just sashay away. 

Those people out there that jumped on the band wagon of bad talking me and making me feel like crap, I feel sorry for you. You missed out on a great person, a person that would bring you laughter and show you a beautiful time with life.

I want to say to my family, I love you, I am sorry that you feel I have lied to you about my sexuality or things in my life. I want to love someone who loves me. I don't care who they are, as long as their personality is glowing and they have the light inside of them, that is all I need. I want someone that had the love that my mother had for life. Such an angelic look on life. I do not think that it is picky or whorish because I do not pick a team, I think that means I am just open to love. I want love and that's not a lot to ask for.

Now it is time for me to listen to some music and clear my mind. I love you World, thanks for allowing me to grace your surface. I am ready to take part in more adventurous journeys and really live my life to the fullest.

Thanks for reading! xoxo

I have seen too many Bullying videos and it has come to a point where I need to talk about my issues with bullying and why it affects a big part of my heart.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I was bullied and tortured by other kids. It was very hard for me to make friends and try to find people who would accept me for who I was. I was the kid that would walk across the blacktop and have someone kick a kickball and hit me in the head. Everyday I either dealt with nicknames or kids trying to be nice to me so I would help them with their homework, but right after they got what they needed from me, I was no use for them. 

One time I was in Middle School, I had someone start making jokes about me and my mother, calling me big head and saying my mother was fat and bald. Little did they know, my mother at the time was dying of cancer, something she could not prevent nor could she get better from it. The truth is this was not a one time incident in school, this happened everyday. It got so bad that my older sister had to tell me to tell the kids, that my big head wasn't the only thing that was big. This helped for a little bit but then the jokes kept coming back. I never got why people thought my head was big nor did I know why kids would single me out, to make me feel like a small person. Teachers would ignore it and anytime I would complain, I was the person according to them that was asking for it. Apparently I asked for kids to chase me home and throw rocks at me or make me feel like I was not worth anything. There was so many times I wanted to just go into my closet and take my life, to take the pain away and make it feel better. I would dream of dying and the feeling of something being lifted off my chest, felt so good. I could feel so light and be able to feel happy. I desired this every night.

The bullying continued all the way up to 7th grade, until my mother passed away. This is when people found out that my mother was bigger in size and bald due to treatment and was going through a rough time. I had kids come up to me and give me a hug and thought I was fucked up because I was dealing with this at home. They did not care, they felt obligated to feel bad for me and tried to understand what I was going through, but really had no desire to understand. 

After my mother passed away, I felt alone and it was hard for me to give people a chance. I always had a wall up and tried to protect myself from people who would try to hurt me. My mother was my hero and the person to protect me and now that she was gone, I had to protect myself. To this day, I am still trying to protect myself, I try to be this great person and try to hide my sorrows that I have inside, but I find it does not work. The only reason I feel bullying has declined for me is because people have matured and learned that they need to worry about themselves and not others. I still have moments I feel I am in middle school and people are spreading rumors about me or trying to ruin my self-esteem, but the only way I let them succeed is when I show it hurts.

As I see these videos on youtube of kids crying for help it gets me thinking why is there no one there to help. I feel for these kids and I wish I could say it gets better but that would be a lie. Life is a cruel, cruel place and for it to get better, you must keep trucking and live life to the fullest. Anyone that is reading this please know there are people there for you. You do not need to feel alone but do remember, you must be strong for yourself and keep pushing, life will only get better if you allow it. These people that are around you, that bring you down, are only doing it because they have a sad life. Do not let them make your life a sad one, show them the joy of your life and maybe one day, they too will change. 

I love all of you and I am here for you! LETS STOP BULLYING AND UNITE!

Love, 
JizzaBella