Bullying and What It Has Done To Me.

I have seen too many Bullying videos and it has come to a point where I need to talk about my issues with bullying and why it affects a big part of my heart.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I was bullied and tortured by other kids. It was very hard for me to make friends and try to find people who would accept me for who I was. I was the kid that would walk across the blacktop and have someone kick a kickball and hit me in the head. Everyday I either dealt with nicknames or kids trying to be nice to me so I would help them with their homework, but right after they got what they needed from me, I was no use for them. 

One time I was in Middle School, I had someone start making jokes about me and my mother, calling me big head and saying my mother was fat and bald. Little did they know, my mother at the time was dying of cancer, something she could not prevent nor could she get better from it. The truth is this was not a one time incident in school, this happened everyday. It got so bad that my older sister had to tell me to tell the kids, that my big head wasn't the only thing that was big. This helped for a little bit but then the jokes kept coming back. I never got why people thought my head was big nor did I know why kids would single me out, to make me feel like a small person. Teachers would ignore it and anytime I would complain, I was the person according to them that was asking for it. Apparently I asked for kids to chase me home and throw rocks at me or make me feel like I was not worth anything. There was so many times I wanted to just go into my closet and take my life, to take the pain away and make it feel better. I would dream of dying and the feeling of something being lifted off my chest, felt so good. I could feel so light and be able to feel happy. I desired this every night.

The bullying continued all the way up to 7th grade, until my mother passed away. This is when people found out that my mother was bigger in size and bald due to treatment and was going through a rough time. I had kids come up to me and give me a hug and thought I was fucked up because I was dealing with this at home. They did not care, they felt obligated to feel bad for me and tried to understand what I was going through, but really had no desire to understand. 

After my mother passed away, I felt alone and it was hard for me to give people a chance. I always had a wall up and tried to protect myself from people who would try to hurt me. My mother was my hero and the person to protect me and now that she was gone, I had to protect myself. To this day, I am still trying to protect myself, I try to be this great person and try to hide my sorrows that I have inside, but I find it does not work. The only reason I feel bullying has declined for me is because people have matured and learned that they need to worry about themselves and not others. I still have moments I feel I am in middle school and people are spreading rumors about me or trying to ruin my self-esteem, but the only way I let them succeed is when I show it hurts.

As I see these videos on youtube of kids crying for help it gets me thinking why is there no one there to help. I feel for these kids and I wish I could say it gets better but that would be a lie. Life is a cruel, cruel place and for it to get better, you must keep trucking and live life to the fullest. Anyone that is reading this please know there are people there for you. You do not need to feel alone but do remember, you must be strong for yourself and keep pushing, life will only get better if you allow it. These people that are around you, that bring you down, are only doing it because they have a sad life. Do not let them make your life a sad one, show them the joy of your life and maybe one day, they too will change. 

I love all of you and I am here for you! LETS STOP BULLYING AND UNITE!

Love, 
JizzaBella