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MY MOTHER

1/29/2019

Looking for family that you never knew, is never easy. You never know if they are going to accept you. You never know if you may hurt the feelings of the family you already have. The family you are looking for may no longer be alive. Well for me, the desire to look for family was when my mother died. I felt a void in my life, a part of me missing because I literally just lost my whole world.

My mother's birthday was just two days ago and I had just finished a gig and I decided to go to a bar. I was sitting by myself and the liquor was flowing. All of sudden RENT Live was on and of course my emotions about that started flowing too. It was like a bunch of flashbacks all at once.

Some of my earliest memories of my mother go back to getting ready for Halloween. My mother helping me become a werewolf, using spirit gum to glue on the beard, doing my makeup. Then going to my great grandma's house and having caramel apples. I remember her taking us to Disney World when I was in 2nd grade. Where I was king for the day because I pulled the sword out of the stone. I felt so special! Was such a happy moment in my life. Not all moments were joyful though. When I was in 6th grade, I remember first couple weeks of school where I was wearing new shoes to school and they happened to have 4 stripes instead of three. The kids made fun of me that I remember going home crying to her. She asked my aunt's boyfriend to take me to the store and buy me a pair of the real Adidas! How selfish I was to not appreciate the fact I had new shoes on! The fact my mother did the best she could with the little money we had. She was trying to put food on the table, keep a roof over our heads all at the same time of high medical bills. But she still gave money to get her son a pair of shoes, so he could go to school and feel more confident. I remember the time where she came into my school, to raise hell and get to the bottom of why her son was being bullied. A sick woman who should have been home resting but her kids were her first priority!

This woman gave my sisters and I everything and did her best to be the best mother that she could be. So when she left this place, it tugged at my heart and really shattered my world. It upsets me even more to know that while she was dying, I was hurting and took my anger out on her. Cancer was kicking her butt and this strong woman I once knew, looked so frail, so weak, I did not know how to feel. I am so angry at myself that I told her, "Why don't you just die and stop being a burden on our family". Obviously I did not mean that but I was so hurting so much, I was not thinking right. Seeing her cry after I said that still haunts me, this woman gave me life and now I had to see it leaving her eyes...

So this search for family is not to replace my family, it is just the constant search for answers, it is to help fill this emptiness I feel at times. Knowing I still have a parent alive helps ease the pain a bit. Not having to feel like I am an orphan. But I could never replace my mother, my sisters, my grandma, my aunts or cousins.. I just would like to meet the man who once loved my mother. My mother and I talked about meeting my real father before she died and I know she wanted me to meet him.

Thank you mommy for giving me life, thank you for being my biggest supporter! I really miss you so much! I am thankful for us having dreams because I get to see you at night anytime I want.

Love you!

I REMEMBER A TIME

1/17/2019

I remember a time when some of my weekends during the winter took place in the country. Going to an airport that was snowed over and being in the front of a snowmobile, going fast, and all I can say is "WOOOOOO". Filled with excitement and no fear of anything because I was secured, in my helmet, snow-gear, and had him behind me holding me.

I remember a time when I would go camping, taking a boat across the lake to get to the campsite, no one around, but I did not care because I was with him. I knew I would be fed, sleep safely, and be ok.

I remember a time when I would sleep over and play with the dogs all day outside, play video games, and ride the 4-wheeler. I remember going out in the garage and blown away that he could fix cars and other machines. I knew I did not want the weekend to end, I wanted to stay longer.

I remember a time when I had to make a pinewood derby car for cub scouts and he helped me make it. I did not win, but I was proud to have done it with him.

I remember when I was 11, where I was sitting on the kitchen floor and talking to him and my mother. Them telling me a story of when I was a baby and they took a paternity test, he was not my father. My life felt like it had ended. But he reassured me that he was always going to be my dad and nothing could change that.

I remember when I was 13, I stayed at his home since Easter night and it was time for a car ride. I asked where we were going and they were pretty silent. I knew something was not right. We arrived at the hospital and I knew something was wrong with my mother. My mother went there for the last time. 18 months of battling cancer and it was near the end. My family let me go in to see her and I saw her with a breathing machine, awake, but could not speak. Everything in my body trying to hold back tears as I looked at her struggling, wanting to speak to me and hold me. He was there to say everything was going to be ok.

I remember a time when I had a dad.