Looking for family that you never knew, is never easy. You never know if they are going to accept you. You never know if you may hurt the feelings of the family you already have. The family you are looking for may no longer be alive. Well for me, the desire to look for family was when my mother died. I felt a void in my life, a part of me missing because I literally just lost my whole world.
Some of my earliest memories of my mother go back to getting ready for Halloween. My mother helping me become a werewolf, using spirit gum to glue on the beard, doing my makeup. Then going to my great grandma's house and having caramel apples. I remember her taking us to Disney World when I was in 2nd grade. Where I was king for the day because I pulled the sword out of the stone. I felt so special! Was such a happy moment in my life. Not all moments were joyful though. When I was in 6th grade, I remember first couple weeks of school where I was wearing new shoes to school and they happened to have 4 stripes instead of three. The kids made fun of me that I remember going home crying to her. She asked my aunt's boyfriend to take me to the store and buy me a pair of the real Adidas! How selfish I was to not appreciate the fact I had new shoes on! The fact my mother did the best she could with the little money we had. She was trying to put food on the table, keep a roof over our heads all at the same time of high medical bills. But she still gave money to get her son a pair of shoes, so he could go to school and feel more confident. I remember the time where she came into my school, to raise hell and get to the bottom of why her son was being bullied. A sick woman who should have been home resting but her kids were her first priority!
This woman gave my sisters and I everything and did her best to be the best mother that she could be. So when she left this place, it tugged at my heart and really shattered my world. It upsets me even more to know that while she was dying, I was hurting and took my anger out on her. Cancer was kicking her butt and this strong woman I once knew, looked so frail, so weak, I did not know how to feel. I am so angry at myself that I told her, "Why don't you just die and stop being a burden on our family". Obviously I did not mean that but I was so hurting so much, I was not thinking right. Seeing her cry after I said that still haunts me, this woman gave me life and now I had to see it leaving her eyes...
I REMEMBER A TIME
I remember a time when I would sleep over and play with the dogs all day outside, play video games, and ride the 4-wheeler. I remember going out in the garage and blown away that he could fix cars and other machines. I knew I did not want the weekend to end, I wanted to stay longer.
I remember when I was 11, where I was sitting on the kitchen floor and talking to him and my mother. Them telling me a story of when I was a baby and they took a paternity test, he was not my father. My life felt like it had ended. But he reassured me that he was always going to be my dad and nothing could change that.
I remember a time when I had a dad.